First day of being a stay at home mom

I love fall.  I love the smell of the air as the weather and the leaves start to change.  It's still moderately warm and sunny, but crisp enough in the morning to enjoy a cup of coffee.  And it's not gloomy gray yet.  I love going to the pumpkin patch, fall harvest farmers market, Oktoberfest, football games, and it's full of great holidays and things to do.  I also love setting up my classroom, organizing folders and music...I know it's totally nerdy of me, but there's something about the cardboard boxes, neat stacks of paper, and freshly waxed floors that gets me all revved up and motivated for a new school year (it probably has something to do with the fact that the classroom will never look that clean again for nine months...).

This past year, my assignment was itinerant elementary music.  I liked that I actually had a group of kids for a whole year again (my previous assignment I taught a rotation of students, new group every six weeks), but I don't particularly enjoy teaching elementary music, and I REALLY don't like being itinerant.  It's by far the hardest assignment I've had, and I've taught inner city high school choir.  Crack dealers and kids on parole.  This job sucked more than that, and here's why: You have no home base.  That support system of being part of a team, secretaries that know your name, a principal who goes to bat for you?  None of that exists.  You're lucky if any of your colleagues know YOU exist.  And it's hard on your car.  At one of my buildings (I was at five), it was April before the secretary stopped asking for my ID because she didn't know who I was.  At another building, the teacher never walked the kids to the door, she stood at the corner of the hallway and watched them come in.  I don't think she knew my name. Yet another building, the same group of teachers kept asking me who I was subbing for that day.  The only thing that made it tolerable was that I was part time, so I didn't work Wednesdays at all (a quirk of my schedule that I was assured would never happen again), and the full time music teachers at each building were incredibly supportive and helpful. 

So this year, with no hope of getting a secondary assignment band OR choir, plus the expense of two kids in daycare and the prospect of having to pump and store breast milk in my car every day, Tyson and I did some math and figured that our net loss of income would only be around $200 a month if I stayed home (which honestly, we probably would have spent on maintenance and repairs to the cars with all the wear and tear of my commute).  Then I got a call from Trinity and was offered one of the staff singer positions, which would make up the difference.  The choice was really clear, I should stay at home.  Better for the kids, easier on me, easier on our vehicles, less scheduling problems, don't have to schedule family time around school holidays....it's a no-brainer.  I now have time to do stuff like harvest the grapes in our yard and learn how to make wine, make stuff like Halloween costumes, do fun activities with Sam like gymnastics and swimming lessons, and finally research and write an article that has been roiling around in my head for two years....the possibilities are endless. 

But in the back of my head I keep wondering if I have just sacrificed my career.  Not that it was going anywhere in Evergreen anyway.  I can tell that I have no hope of getting a secondary assignment in this district. I wonder if any principal or other administrator will respect the choice that I've made, or will I have to start from scratch to get the job I want?  I have very little interest in a career teaching elementary music.  Philosophically, I understand the importance of elementary music, and the importance of doing it well.  And I have a great deal of respect for those among us who thrive on making that happen.  I was lucky to work with some really great teachers this year, and that helped me get excited about what I was doing, but I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't be able to sustain my motivation for more than another year or two.  And changing jobs isn't really an option because our long term plan includes leaving Portland within the next three to five years.  So if we don't need the money, I get to be a stay at home mom for a few years, and just get a new job in whatever city we end up in next.  By that time, Noelle will be old enough for preschool, and Sam will be in kindergarten or 1st grade, so I can go back to work full time.

While I know that being a stay at home mom is by no means slacking (my mom stayed at home, and she worked constantly--I also know several very hard working full time moms who are my age), I've been on in a school routine for almost thirty years now.  So it feels like I'm slacking because I get to make my own schedule instead of following someone else's.  And while I contemplate that, I think it might be time to change a poopy diaper.  And read my son a book.  And think about what meals I will be making tomorrow.  And fold laundry.  And go to the park.  And work on Halloween costumes.  And make art projects.  And squish grapes for wine.