Judgy, judgy!!

So I want to post about something that is possibly a touchy subject but has been bothering me for a while, mostly because I think a few people have misinterpreted my feelings on this.

I breastfeed my kids.  Sam until he was 18 months old, and Noelle for almost 12 months so far.  And I'm proud of that.  It was difficult to start, I hated (HATE) pumping, and frankly, a lot of "you're not going to be one of THOSE moms who nurses until the kid is 4, right?" questions, as if there's something wrong with that....

But here's where I'm having trouble today and this is the part I need you all to understand:  My being proud of something I worked hard at is not a judgment on you.  If you use formula, I have no problem with you.  I'm not looking down my nose at you.  I know you're doing the best job parenting you can.  Our society is not BF friendly.  It's just not.  And if you have neither the time or support to overcome those obstacles, even if you're motivated, it can be damn near impossible to establish and maintain a supply.  And if your family/husband/friends thinks it's weird, that is an obstacle, however minor, however misguided they are.  I didn't realize until Sam was weaned how lucky I was to have the support I did in every aspect from the hospital staff (yes, that matters) to our pediatrician, to nutritionally-minded family, co-workers, and husband who were willing to not only support but fight for it with me.  Yes, that matters.

Breastmilk is best, that's a fact.  Notice I didn't say formula is poison, or doesn't serve an important role.  I can't make you feel anything you don't want to feel.  If my efforts to help educate and change society's obstacles make you feel guilty, attacking me is not going to resolve it.  Being snarky on my Facebook page will not "teach me a lesson." You have to make peace with yourself and know you did the best you could with the information and tools you had available to you.

I do, however, judge medical professionals who allow the insidious way formula companies peddle their products in hospitals.  Medical professionals who give advice based on old wives tales instead of research.  Or refuse to set their own ego or laziness aside and call a lactation consultant.  They passively undermine and sabotage women who WANT to breastfeed and formula companies encourage this because it's the only way to expand the customer base.  Yes, this really happens, yes, it affects supply, and then, magically, the mother is "not making enough" and ta-da!! Nestle's stock price just went up! There's a reason formula advertising is banned internationally, and just like many other corporations, are not regulated or enforced here in the United States of We Worship The Almighty Dollar.

Notice my rant had nothing to do with mothers (or fathers)?? Notice the judgment is on the CEOs who put their bank account before your child's health (or, more pointedly, the health of children in countries that lack clean water)?? Judgment on pediatricians whose knowledge base is often sorely lacking (then they wonder why parents always second guess them.  Hello, baby feeding should be more than a one day seminar in med school).  The only other thing I have ever seen so many people take criticism so personally is singing.  And that's because when you aren't successful, for whatever reason, it feels like something is wrong with you, even though it's not. 

How many people do you know that say "I can't sing" or "I'm not a good singer"?  Those of us who are musicians know that almost everyone is capable of singing, but some people have to work harder at it than others to be successful. And if you have a voice teacher who screwed up your technique or a choir teacher who said "yeah, just don't sing this part" (and those people should be slapped), or went to a school that didn't have music at all, or parents who never sang in front of you?  Yeah, singing is going to be harder for you.  And it feels personal, but it's not.  And it doesn't mean you aren't (or weren't) ever capable.  Just like breastfeeding, singing is a learned behavior, and it takes time, opportunity, and education to learn it.  And you thought it was "natural." HA!  And if there was a way to make money from preventing people from singing, you can bet the farm all of sudden there would be criticism "why are you singing in public?" "yeah that singing stuff isn't for me" and someone would be investing millions in opera companies and recording because there's no need for *everyone* to sing....hey....I just had a business idea.....oh wait....it's been done.....some damn show run by Simon Cowell....

If I judged everyone I know who used formula at one time or another, I would have basically no friends at all (including my mother).  Some of my breastfeeding heroes are moms who in the end had to use formula. Ladies like my sister in law, who was working, going to school, and a mommy.  How she persisted and made it to nine months is amazing to me!  Two friends, one whose supply dropped when pumping, and another with a fertility problem that also caused supply issues both fought for at least a year, pumping, taking herbs, and yes, supplementing with formula. Another couple of friends exclusively pumped for months on end and considering how much I HATE pumping, my hat is off to those ladies for their extreme effort.  I would probably have given up because, did I mention? I really really hate pumping.

But mostly, I want you (yes, you) to know if you used formula with your kids, when I post breastfeeding advocacy things on Facebook, it's not to make you feel bad or shame you. Breastfeeding takes a "village" to be successful. It takes support and help to be successful at.  Hospitals, unfortunately, are more often financially invested and not always very reliable with accurate breasfeeding information, which means those of us who have been successful have a responsibility to share those strategies with people who want it.  Even if you've made your informed choice, that doesn't mean everyone else magically knows what you do. And if you don't want the info, well, feel free to ignore those posts or unfriend me. 

But please, PLEASE, quit assuming that I'm judging your parenting.